Inner Turmoil

Who really knows what goes on inside; the struggle from within to maintain focus and the frustration that so often leads to rage when that focus is lost. What is felt so strongly is so often never shown to others for fear of being misunderstood. How could this constant morphing of emotion and mental clarity ever be explained except to another with the same affliction?

The lid is quietly and calmly placed on such inner chaos-at least until the ‘seesaw’ type episodes of total clarity and creativity give way to total lack of focus that leaves you wondering if you can even remember your own name and if so how to spell it. Only so much of this kind of frustration can be subdued before it leaks out or worse yet, simply erupts from the ‘pressure cooker’ effect of attempting to control the uncontrollable within you.

Some describe their symptoms as if someone else had access to the ‘controller’ of their brain and was continually changing the channels. Others paint a picture of tornado type activity where thoughts whirl around in their head so fast that its hard to grasp one before another comes along. This poses a unique challenge in the area of memory. The information is there but retrieving it on any given occasion is not necessarily an absolute certainty.

If anyone with similar experiences were to try to explain this type of thought process to those on the ‘outside’, I’m sure questions of their sanity would surely follow. Trying to make someone understand that living as two different people within the same body from day-to-day is routine for some of us and yet not be label schizophrenic is difficult. How natural it would be to resort to that logic-only that there is nothing logical about living this way except to realize that it is not a curable but merely manageable condition.

This condition, which reeks havoc on the focus and memory of its victim without warning as to which day or even moment it will strike, is called attention deficit hyperactivity disorder. Many believe that it is just a ‘cop out phrase’ for parents who want to drug their children into submission or adults who want an excuse for being lazy. Those who truly suffer from it know all too well the disruption that it causes and the energy that is required to keep it manageable. No one would deliberately choose to live in such a way; a way that allows the mental balance permitting most individual to complete daily activities to be lost in an instant and without warning.

There are times of, what I like to call “on days”. These days seem to induce endless creativity and productivity with energy to reach the upper limits. If only it could be determined when these days would occur or if they could be stored up for those important time when you need them most. Anything that would help prepare for the “off-days”. What are those? You guessed it, the complete opposite of 'on-days'. Days when you literally want to ask yourself if you are sure of your own name!

Then, when it comes time to sign your own name, for whatever reason, you actually have to correct it for misspelling! Times such as these call for patience and understanding. Both of which, can be difficult to muster at times, even from the one going through it personally. Most often the person with ADHD will be her own worst critic; so patience with ones self is difficult but crucial.

Usually, people who function with this type of thought process are the most creative, motivated, funny, likable and highly achieved people you will ever know. The main reason for this is because the creative force that flows throughout the ‘on-days’ is the fuel they live on and what motivates them during the ‘off-days’. For many, a sense of humor is the best way they know to deal with the stress of getting through another day of inner oscillation.

Many view the ADHD person as one who can’t follow through with any given task for lack of discipline or self will. The truth is, the successful ADHD person must be extremely disciplined to achieve their goals.

The fact that focus for an "ADHDer" is usually on several things at once requires intense self will to see a project or task through to completion. Others also see one with ADHD as having endless energy that never quits or someone who can’t slow down, like a speed demon. This may be true for some in certain situations but there is always a crash to follow. Even a tornado with its furious spinning will eventually loose momentum until its strength is gone. Fatigue follows the mania of hyper-focus episodes and can tend to be very frustrating for the individual as well as confusing for those around them.

Many who see this type of behavior wonder why it can’t simple be stopped or changed in order to make life ‘easier’. The mental process that produces this seemingly disruptive thinking pattern is based on chemical pathways in the brain that function somewhat differently than those of the general population and are not by conscious decision. Much is still unknown about the brain and how it works; especially how thought processes can be so different from one person to the next. For those of us who live it, we know it’s real-it’s how life is for us. Many times frustrating, often exhilarating, frequently creative and highly productive but never dull!

Here is just a word of advice for all who are still trying to understand this condition. Whether you are a participant or spectator, the more patience, compassion and understanding that’s offered, the more palatable the situation is for all involved.

So, if you are one of us my congratulations and condolences. To those of you who know one of us, well, fasten your seat belts and enjoy the ride!